By N. Cardoso ~ 12/30/2022
The more I live, the more I come to realize that I am led by an invisible but powerful force through a path that is custom-made for me. Is not better or worse than your path… it is only this one was designed to fit my needs, to bring me as far as I want and have the courage to go.
It is a different and exquisite way. Some would say it is lonely, but I find it to be a creative solitute that feels me with joy and sets me in a reflexive, relaxed, meditative state. It allows me to see beyond the commonalities of daily to-dos and see myself and others from a different perspective. From a place where I am more compassionate, forgiving, understanding…. more evolved, I dare say. I am still far from becoming that being full time, yet, in these unique moments, I have a glimpse of who I want and was meant to be.
There is no clutter of things, of people, of demands; or needs to be fulfilled or dreams that depend on others to become true. There is, however, an immense amount of colors, music, and forms that inspires me.
I call this powerful force God, and my faith in Him, gives me strength and courage, that I am marvelously aware, are not my own.
Looking from the outside in, it seems that I am alone, but in truth, there are only rare moments when I feel alone…there is so much to occupy my spirit with, constructive things like music, art, nature, writing, reading, meditating.
In this life I have loved so many souls which crossed my path in one time or another, then, there are new connections I meet everyday to keep me close to others, then there are the very few who are more permanent presences in my life. I love each of them in a special way, I don’t, however, expect them to be, to do, or even to stay…well, not anymore!
There was a time, I confess, I thought that for me or anyone to be loved, I/they needed to be, to do, to stay…as I grow, I learn that this isn’t so.
As I meet those who are meant to come into my life, not always as smooth and friendly as I would like, I come to undersrand and – as time passes, and I let my self-righteousness, my pride, and many of my hidden unresolved past traumas I avoided for so long subside to the background where they belong – I see clearly the lessons they taught me during our time together.
When this happens, ressentments melt away, and love fills my heart. All memories of them are special, even the ones which have hurt and scarred me, because now I can see the value in those events. I needed these encoubters for a reason, to either share my experience with or to learn from them. They were neither coincidences nor accidents. They had a purpose, and as I grow and realize that everything’s is connected, no matter how different we are, I am grateful for being blessed by those teachers who stepped into my life, even if for a breef moment.
As we went our separate ways, I continued my journey, loving our encounter, loving that we are both free from expectations, from being from a never-end doing, and staying.
They will always be loved, not for what they did or didn’t do, but for the value that they shared with me for a little while. This understanding is enough for me. In the book Little Prince, Saint-Exupery writes “But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose.”
They are my roses, forever… once in a while, they come to my thoughts, and when they do, I say a little prayer of blessing and awakening for them.
Like my own journey, they, too, have their unique custom-made path. I hope they have the boldness and courage to follow it. It was scare. There were too many variables, and like everyone else, I didn’t like changes. My status quo was hurting me, but it was the bad I knew. There were cold butterflies fluttering furiously in my stomach when I first walked into this journey, many times I wanted to ran back to the life and patterns I knew so well, but now, looking back, every moment of hesitation and overcoming myself, was worth for its rewards.
I don’t know if any if those people even remember me, but if they do think of me sometimes, I hope they, too, will take a minute to say a little prayer of blessing and awakening for me.
The beauty that surrounds me nowadays is increased by knowing that I have been blessed by everyone I met in the way.
This solitude of mine is a conscious choice, alone I follow my unique journey while staying in close contact with those I once met even if only spiritually, and the new people I meet along the way on a day to day experience are welcome, embraced, lived and free to continue their journey. There is no need for a fuss or for keeping scores…
The more I understand the purpose hidden in our meeting, the more I am free to love them entirely, purposely, fully.
It is in solitude, where I find the true essence of the being I was created to be.
The Power Within 