By N. Cardoso – 10/18/17

Eight years ago today, the biggest change in my life started, it seemed like a normal day, it was not a big  Aha moment! Except for the light snow falling way too early for the New England season, this would pass as any other day.

rebirthI didn’t know yet, but within the next few months a series of event would bring me down to my knees, break me down into thousands of tiny pieces and start something amazing in my life. Those months taught me that everything I have gone before had only bent me, never truly broken my. This time however, I was broken. For a while I believe, I was broken to a point of  no repairs.

There was sickness of the body, heart and soul. There were a few years of brokenness, there was depression, there was lots of crying and sleepless nights, night walks along the beach and many miles trying to get the end of the line of this mess my life had become.

There was losing everyone I thought was valuable, there was finding compassionate strangers who stood by me when long time friends walked away. There was loneliness and the amazing discovery of the healing power of solitude.

There were many lessons learned in the silence of my little garden. Realizing that I had to prepare a healthy foundation, clean of clutter and not being afraid to remove old roots so my new seedling could spread out. Then came doing my best, setting my little seeds with the right amount of weight over then, understanding that in order to grow stronger they needed to dig deeper into the darkness to establish the roots that would withstand the strong winds they would face once they broke the ground towards the light were the first few lessons I learned playing with my seeds.

My own life was like that, a confusion of old roots and beliefs, of patterns learned throughout the years. I was in desperate need of a nice pruning.

Over time came trusting the power within the seed, the quality of the dirt to make it grow healthy, then letting go of control – hovering over my little seed would not make it grow faster, overcaring would suffocate the seed and it would die before ever sprouting – I had to learn to enjoy my advances even if, at a times, it looked like there was no advancement at all.

A wise woman once told me: “Sometimes it looks like we are on a stand still, we look at others and they are moving faster and disappearing on the horizon, while we feel stuck in the same place. We all have a story to live, a path to travel. Just because you are not growing in height does not means you are not growing, there is growth in width too. Enjoy the width growth time, for when we are done with, we will experience a growth spurt that will surpass our wild imagination. Like your garden, there is a season for everything under the sun, just exercise patience, that is also a lesson your garden is teaching you.”

There was growing like a my little seeds, bursting out of my own shell, waiting for the transformation, there was a lot of dark, tight places and uncomfortable situations, there were moments I thought I would not make it through. Then, over time, after many lessons learned from the angels in disguise who have came to my rescue when I needed them, a faint yellow light was seen at the end of the tunnel, each step forward, no matter how small, would make the light a little brighter.

And as Anais Nin once so beautifully put,

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

It was through my brokenness that the power of forgiveness had the power to get into my core. It turns out it was the vitamin I so desperately needed. It started changing the status quo, there were new friends, there were little healings happening from inside out, there was listening to the faint voice I had silenced for so long inside me, there was forgiving and learning to trust my instincts again.

flower through stone

At some point along the way, I found myself in front of two piles: to my left was a pile of closed books, I have gone through all my life stories, they  were revisited and each chapter have received a proper closure, they were all neatly closed, no what ifs, no grudges, no blaming. To my right there was a pile of  new books, they all had blank pages, next to it a crystal cup with many colorful pens and pencils, just waiting for a new story to be written on. I confess it took a while to summon the courage to step forward and grab the pencil, I wasn’t sure if my instincts could be trusted…

Once I got the guts to grab a pencil I start absent minded doodling around the corners, letting my thoughts run free, listening to the voice inside which was getting the hang of being heard again, then slowly a new chapter came to mind, this new adventure was filled with self forgiveness, self acceptance, self love and self respect, there was the release of blame, there was taking ownership of my actions and the consequences of them without blame or excuses. Love and understanding for myself and others became a main theme. There was finding and reconnecting with someone I had lost sight of: myself.

This story had no title until today: Rebirth

Today is a special day, for when I look back I am reminded that the power inside me is bigger than anything outside me. I can see clearly that the worst of times was in reality, the best of times. This is the day when, like a Phoenix, I celebrate my own rebirth from the ashes and for all the pains, lost pieces, tears I am grateful for they washed away the old me. For all the abundance, laughter, love and plenty in my life today I am grateful for they show me that there is always hope, no matter how bad things seems to be.



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