Endless Possibilities


2010 was a very challenging year for me, I mean professionally and specially in my personal life.

Many things have happened that were completely beyond my control, yet there were many of them, I was solely responsible for their out comings. I have been hurt by people I trusted and truly believed were looking out for my best interest and have hurt people who I never intended to.

The mistakes I have made and the faith I’ve put in the wrong places and people made me see that I have yet lots to learn. Getting older has taught me many lessons, but there are still many others to be learned.

As the end of the year approaches and I go through all the thoughts, feelings, unhealed pains, anxieties, unanswered questions, and all the other feelings that I am trying to understand and still learning to deal with in my soul, attempting to manage my reactions to painful and disappointing situations, I am learning that this simple task is more complicated and difficult than one might think…however, I refuse to give up, and I will keep on trying until I finally get it right.

December 31st is my deadline, it is the day I am closing the book on this very painful year and opening a blank page to start writing a new chapter in my life, a new chapter of a new history full of possibilities and better endings.

Sometimes, it takes us time to realize that we are not really living. We keep going through the motions–getting up, doing work, and playing nice, doing things…even tough that nagging voice keeps on whispering to us that something is not right-  we persist on believing and trusting, to make someone else comfortable or happy, creating this false sense of purpose in our lives.

I know I have found all kinds of excuses to stay that way. I have spent so much time focused on what I wanted, here and now, that I lost my perspective. I forgot what was that I deserved in exchange for a little of immediate satisfaction, here and now.

For a while, the excuses I have told myself, were kind of comforting. It’s not you holding yourself back–it’s your family, or the economy, other people, someone else’s promises and plans that were all but a pack of lies, words that were used loosely without meaning, or just the world in general. It’s everything around you that makes it hard to be the you that you really want to be.

Excuses are death. They allow no option for growth or possibility. I’m fairly sure I have written more about this past year than I have written about better years and there were many of them.

I guess it is true what they say about pain being a poet’s best friend, brings the inside out and allows him to express his true self. People who knows me perceives me as a strong person, I have heard that many times in my life, but in reality I am not strong at all.

The thing is….I really dislike the idea of others feeling sorry for me so, or the idea that I am ‘a coitadinha’ or weak, so I have learned, at a very young age, to get up every time I fall, without drama or big to dos. Unfortunately sometime it takes longer to get up….sometimes it feels like it is easier to stay on the floor…. sometimes you wonder why…why to get up just to fall again right ahead???

I am almost always a positive person but had to work really hard this year to take my nose, and more importantly my eye,  out of a bad depression, a depression that affected my personal life, caused damage to my business and even affected my health… landing me in a hospital bed completely paralyzed for 4 days, which took me months of physical therapy to recover. That’s usually how it works with me….in moments of tragedy I react and do what is needed to do but them, without a warning it hits me, first it drains my soul, then my body, even tough no one can see it coming….

Now, after all passes and as the sun peaks at me from between the moving dark clouds, I can see where I was before all this; where I allowed myself to go; where I am coming from and where I want to go; there is still a long and winding path ahead of me I understand, I know I will have to move slowly, breathing in and out, slowly, taking on one little step at a time, but now, that I have taken my eyes out of the dark place I was, the time has come to stand up, shake off the dust, straight up my back, lift my head up high, put some comfy shoes and move towards a new horizon never forgetting the lessons learned while I was on the floor.

To answer the question ‘why to get up again just to fall ahead???’…..it is because while standing you can see miracles and wonders that you will never be able to see while on the ground….once your eyes and soul have seen those miracles and wonders you get the necessary motivation and strength to get up over and over again and learn that the falls are just stepping-stones on the path of life….you learn that every time you stand up you can see a little more of the wonders ahead.

I have allowed my glass to be empty for a while…now it is time to fill it with actions and bring the fruits from the lessons I have learned into life.

I  deserve much more than I have settled for…I am much better than I give myself credit for….the road is immense and possibilities are unimaginable… I must say that surrounding myself with well worth reading, my ‘positive quotes of the day’, the power of music, meditation and being surrounded by people who loves me enough to sometimes be bluntly honest with me kept me fed, grounded and able to see the sun light through the dark clouds that hovered over me for a long season.

Today I am working on my goals, and then I will take one small step toward one of them. Life doesn’t require a daily grand adventure. But truly living requires an adventurous spirit that constantly chooses to find an outlet. N. Cardoso

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